Закон детской травмы: что делать, если прошлое мешает жить в настоящем

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https://www.psychologies.ru/articles/zakon-detskoi-travmy-chto-delat-esli-proshloe-meshaet-zhit-v-nastoyashem/

The Law of Childhood Trauma: What to Do When the Past Prevents You from Living in the Present

Parents' lack of love, cruelty or just coldness, bullying at school, betrayal by a friend - each of us could have had a trauma in childhood that affects our entire future life. How does this prevent us from being happy and where can we seek salvation from the past?

 The beginning of the story

Until she was three, her grandmother was actively involved in Mila's life: she stayed home with her when she was sick, took her for walks, fed her. And every day Mila heard: "Good girls don't talk much / play quietly / wear dresses" and so on. And then the question flew: "You're a good girl, aren't you?"

 Mila, although she was only a baby, remembered for the rest of her life how important it was to be a “good girl.” And only thirty years later, with the support of a psychologist, she plunged into her early childhood.

 Nowadays, no one is surprised by the words that the roots of many adult problems are hidden in childhood. There are millions of pieces of advice on social networks: “work through your father,” “turn to your family,” “understand that people are imperfect and forgive your parents.” Excellent recommendations, especially if they are given on topic and with good tips.

 But what to do if you “work through your parents,” “forgive everyone around you and each one individually,” and the problem remains? It feels like you’re going in circles: you meet different people, but the situations are all the same.

 Where is the exit? The exit is where the entrance is. In early childhood

 In the trauma that the little person had to endure. There are very strong traumas that the psyche simply cannot “digest”. Then the defense mechanisms are triggered - and the child forgets everything.

 But the trauma remained trauma. It just "healed" and doesn't seem to bother you. But somehow it turns out that, for example, an adult woman unconsciously rejects her body, sometimes even hates it. And she doesn't remember at all that when she was five years old, an adult man touched her.

 There are many reasons for early childhood trauma. These include conflicts in the family, divorce of parents, overprotection by adults, and problems in everyday life. In essence, trauma occurs when significant adults for the child (primarily the mother) fail to provide him with a sense of security and an atmosphere of trust.

LAWS OF EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

When Max was four years old, he saw his father drunk for the first time. Or maybe not for the first time, he just remembered - after all, that was when he received a hefty slap from his parent. Max stood in the hallway, his mouth open and trying to see a loved one in this staggering and cursing man. And this "loved one" casually slapped him on the back of the head. So hard that Max could barely stay on his feet. And then he started to cry: from pain, resentment and fear.

Father drank rarely, but accurately. And Max tried not to show himself to him on those days - tried to be invisible. He did not know how to resist him, a drunk adult man. And, frankly speaking, he did not think that it was possible.

And many years later, Max was at a loss when he saw unmotivated aggression.

Children get traumatized unexpectedly, it is impossible to prepare for it. The child often falls into a stupor and does not know what to do, how to protect himself. Emotions "turn on" later, and then he can experience fear, shame, horror.

"Included" with the trauma, the child also receives a change in his worldview. Before, everything was fine: he felt the love of adults, knew that he would be protected, his body was beautiful, everyone was happy to see him. After, he perceives the world as something hostile, it turns out that he himself is not worthy of love at all, stupid, ugly, and so on.

Already in adulthood, a person with an old trauma gradually organizes retraumatization for himself, unconsciously creates situations in which he himself becomes vulnerable. And the people around him, just as unconsciously, hit the barely healed trauma.

The man suffers from this, but time after time he provokes the world to feel this pain again and again.

For people with childhood trauma, the feeling of happiness is difficult, and sometimes it seems impossible. Stability, joy - that's what they experienced before the trauma. And, already as adults, they cannot fully relax and just live, but always expect to be "tripped" by the world. It seems like here it is - happiness, peace, prosperity, health. But the feeling of an impending catastrophe does not leave.

With their thoughts and heightened anxiety, they seem to attract trouble. Moreover, a dramatic storm may not be created by their hands. Children get sick on the eve of vacation. A seemingly successful project ends in failure and debt.

What does a person with trauma do? Rather, take control. But keep your eyes open: after all, this is further proof that there will always be a storm behind the sun.

At the age of two, Marina ended up in intensive care after an emergency operation. For two of the five days that the girl spent there, she slept almost all the time. But gradually the sedation was reduced, and Marina spent more and more time looking around the ward, examining the doctors and nurses, the children lying in the neighboring beds. And she often cried: she was scared, she wanted her mother, sometimes it was painful.

Previously, when Marina started crying, someone would immediately appear - her mother or father, grandmother or a teacher from the kindergarten. But here, in intensive care, Marina realized: no matter how much you cry, it is unlikely that anyone will come to you, because the adults are very busy. And if they did come, they would cause pain again - give you an injection, or change a bandage, or something else.

Marina had no idea that her family was beside themselves with worry. And her mother did not come to the intensive care unit so as not to disturb her daughter.

Later, even several years later, Marina had a hard time with separation from her family, especially her mother. It was important to her to always have someone close to her.

GO WHERE IT'S SCARY

The hardest thing about working with early childhood traumas is to "dig them up," to get them out. A person is afraid to even approach them. He is used to living with this baggage. And that means there will be serious resistance.

When working with trauma, you have to experience a storm of emotions over and over again: bitterness, sadness, fear or shame, etc. Not everyone can immerse themselves in trauma and allow themselves to experience the emotions that were suppressed back then, in early childhood.

It is also important to learn to "rise" above the problem. And not to look at the world with resentment - "Why do they treat me like this?" - but to recognize your authorship in designing the situations in which a person lives.

A traumatized little child lives on in an adult

It is very important to accept him, protect him, console him, so that he stops suffering. Try to look at your inner child with the all-forgiving eyes of an adult, a mature person, with interest, sympathy, warmth and tenderness. In this way we can free ourselves from at least some of the guilt that we have felt for many years after the trauma.

Yes, working with early childhood trauma will likely be a long process. Everyone needs their own amount of time to deal with the past.

But when the traumas have already been worked through, a person does not experience the pain that prevented him from living a full life. Yes, he knows about his "wounds", but treats them with respect, with compassion. And therefore, he will not allow others to hurt him. And therefore, he will finally allow success and happiness to reliably settle in his home.

Tatyana Isakova

Systemic family psychotherapist, clinical psychologist

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